Finally, Tomorrow

True Stories of Alcoholics and Addicts.  Struggles, insights, physical, emotional and spiritual recovery.

Transcript

Daryl 0:09

Hey, welcome to this week's episode of Miles of Recovery. My name's Darrell and I'm Kim. We're both glad to have you here. Our goal with this podcast is to help the listener gain some insights into the mind of the alcoholic addict and the processes involved in the individual's recovery, as well as some entertainment in the form of stories directly from recovering alcoholics and addicts. Sometimes these stories are gonna be kind of difficult. Other times we'll be able to share some laughs. Either way, we hope you'll consider how they relate to your life and your recovery. It's important to note this podcast is not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous or any other 12 step recovery program. We are not experts on the subject of recovery. Though I've been in recovery from alcoholism for more than 18 years, I am not an authority. And although I'm not an alcoholic, I've been in recovery of my own, from my experiences living with both active a alcoholism and an alcoholic in recovery. Now. We both continue to learn as we navigate our lives today. Mm-hmm. The views expressed here are personal experiences. The insights drawn from these experiences may be the result of the source or storyteller. The interviewer and review of the material by artificial intelligence. Yeah. So can we pause and just talk about that for a minute? Yeah. Um, I know we've discussed it. It add infinitum and, uh, yeah, you know that I've been very interested in AI from the beginning. Mm-hmm. And, uh, I continue to learn things and, and try stuff. And you know that I've been feeling the opposite. Yeah. I have deep reservations about AI and I don't think I'm alone. And in fact, sometimes it just frankly scares me. And I'm guessing some of you out there feel the same. That being said, I got a new perspective when you fed one of your recovery stories through an AI program. Yeah. You know, I learned a little bit about this little different program and I was real curious what it would do and I, so I just tried one of the stories I had on my desk. And I gotta say, the AI analysis and the observations it provided gave me some pretty profound insights into my own story. Mm-hmm. You know, in, since I didn't have, despite the 18 years in Alcoholics Anonymous, working with a sponsor, running through things, doing all the steps and having lived the experience, I figured I'd already gathered all the insights possible. There's always more to learn. Right. Exactly. You asked me to listen and I reluctantly did, and I gained some insights of my own. Listen, AI's here, we can fear it or we can reject it, or we can say, as the saying goes, take what works and leave the rest. Mm-hmm. So I'm hoping that we can take that and listen with an open mind. And on the subject of learning with an open mind, remember the words of Herbert Spencer, and I'll quote here. There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man. Or woman in everlasting ignorance, that principle is contempt prior to investigation. Let's not let that happen to us. So here's how this is gonna work, and we'll need your help to make it work. Each week we will share a recovery story, ours and yours, preferably yours. At the end of the podcast, we'll explain how and where to submit your stories. We'll be sharing honest, lived experiences as people in recovery. We will then run this story through AI for its quote, deep dive into the inner workings of the stories. The overriding goal here is to maintain this podcast specifically to help addicts. Okay, Darrell. We're all looking forward to hearing this week's story called Finally Tomorrow. As I sat on my couch that morning, it was just another day. Started out like so many other days, I got up early child to daycare, my wife to work. I would start the day with the best intention of getting some great work done and really catching up on things for my job. I pulled out my computer, hooked it up, then the thought hit me. It'd be great to have. Just a couple beers helped me get past the boredom of the administrative tasks that lay ahead. I only lightly considered that I had gone through the one or two drink scenario hundreds of times in my 30 years of drinking without a single success. But somehow my brain thought today might just be different. On reflection, there were two sides to my brain on the subject of my drinking. One side told me that, let's just have a drink or two. The other side knew from experience. That was a proven impossibility, a blatant lie. Without a boss, wife, or parent overseeing my drinking. I cannot honestly remember a time when I had one or two. The Book of Alcoholics Anonymous on page 30 states the idea that somehow someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker, and that stated my case perfectly. There were times when some particular restriction was applied that I controlled my intake, but I certainly didn't enjoy my drinking under those circumstances and without the restriction. I cannot recall ever. Controlling how much I drank despite my track record on this day. I went to the local Minimart, bought a 12 pack of cold beer, still with the idea that I would have one or two deep down. I knew that when I got home I would drink every one of them, and the truth is I drank one on the way home from the store. A habit I had learned I could get away with. Over the past few years, I'd become a daily drinker. In the previous five years before that, I'd been a binge drinker. Although the binges had become more and more frequent, I also had a longstanding habit of hiding my liquor. I lied constantly about my drinking. I would leave town for work so that I could be free to drink as much as I wanted and not be seen by anyone I knew I could get as sloppy as I wanted. Often. I told myself, someday I'm gonna have to quit drinking quickly, followed by why a day I'll quit tomorrow, but for 30 years that tomorrow never came. One particular morning on June 12th, 2007, at around nine 30, I sat there filled with self-hatred for doing it again. I had finished 10 of those, recently purchased 12 beers. I was already concocting lies and explanations for my wife and trying to make up work I hadn't done to report to my boss. Meanwhile, I was also figuring out whether or not I could get away with another 12 pack later in the day. I wanted it for that evening knowing I'd cook out on the grill. Sarcastically speaking, I was a good husband and I always tried to help out with the cooking and other activities. If you're a drinker like I was, you'll understand the irony in that statement. But then something inexplicable happened in that moment, sitting on that couch, 10 beers in, I heard two simple words. You're done. And at that very moment, I knew the gig was up. I can look back on that day, that moment with recognition of where the two simple words you're done originated. That was the moment I surrendered. The struggle was over the white flag raised today. I know that that definitive voice was God. As I understand God in the moment. However, I had no understanding and only knew that I wasn't gonna drink anymore. I was done. And I realized, oh, it's finally tomorrow. I knew that Alcoholics Anonymous AA was where you went if you drank too much and wanted to learn how not to do that. I did not know anything about the program or history of aa. I Googled Alcoholics Anonymous and fortunately found there was a meeting later that day in my hometown of Florence, Oregon. I visited my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting that evening, still smelling of alcohol. Not at all. That uncommon, I've learned since I attended that meeting and began the greatest life journey I could not have imagined even the day prior. I don't remember much of that meeting. The things I do remember hearing that really worked for me were progress, not perfection, attraction, not promotion, and that AA was self-supporting, but more than the words I heard, I felt something different. Yeah, the people were alcoholics, but they were very open about their imperfections and troubles in their lives. They sounded honest and were laughing together about their life's big traumas and remaining foibles. I remember feeling hope, a foreign feeling for me in those days. Then I heard someone say that it had taken God to get him sober, and that was what the whole program centered on. Oh boy. There it was. I had separated myself from all things religious or God related when I was 19, and I had no intention of reverting to a belief system that I was still tortured by. I considered this a deal breaker for me. I was given the book of Alcoholics Anonymous at that meeting, despite my reservations. I took it home that evening and began reading. In fact, I couldn't stop reading. I read the first 164 pages. Commonly recognized as the basic text and the meat of the program by the end of the next day. I was overpowered by the sense of understanding and recognition the authors had of me. Admittedly, I breezed through the chapters to the wives, the family afterward and to the employer. I mean, what did that have to do with me staying sober? I think it only fair to say that I also thought it was poorly written, elementary and structure, and I certainly could help it fix it up a bit. I had grief. I've heard this same refrain from many recovering alcoholic since egomaniacs to the bitter end. I'm sober today. I have not had a drink or a drug since that June day in 2007. I've thought about drinking, but the middle obsession was taken from me in that moment long ago. The obsession is gone. I've learned that key to staying sober is in the relationship I have developed with God as I understand him. A relationship fraught with emotional turbulence, but over time the most meaningful peace providing Serenity laden relationship I have in my life. When I am in my own way good with God, I am truly at peace. The Alcoholic's Big Book clearly outlines that it is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action. And we are headed for trouble if we do for alcohol is a subtle foe. We're not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. I can promise that not every day for me is the same in regards to how spiritually fit I am, but the book also says that we claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. And in that regard, I can say that I am on though a non-linear path, a path nonetheless of spiritual progress. Today I have a purpose in my life and I can see the value in my experiences. I get to help other drunks like me reach out and gain their own understanding and trust in God as they understand him. Alcoholics Anonymous, the God I still don't understand the 12 steps of aa, my sponsors, the thousands of meetings I have attended and the experiences I can share with others in my any forum have allowed me to gain a piece that I never knew existed, wanted, or deserved. And I thank God that tomorrow finally came. Okay, next up is the review and analysis of the story by artificial intelligence or ai. I ask that you remain open-minded and take what works and leave the rest. Here you go.

11:34

Okay, let's unpack this. We have all, um, been there. I want you to picture a specific moment. You're looking at a bad habit. You know, you need to break or I don't know, a project you are absolutely dreading or just that mess in the garage that's been staring at you for months. Exactly. You feel that spike of anxiety, that you know that weight on your chest and then your brain offers you the magic words, the spell that makes all the anxiety just. Vanish instantly. I'll do it tomorrow. It's the ultimate pressure release valve. Yeah. And it feels good. Right? Tomorrow is safe. Tomorrow is this mythical land where we are suddenly stronger, smarter, more disciplined, and have infinite energy. Right? The problem, of course, is that we never actually live in tomorrow. We're perpetually stuck in today. Exactly. And today we're doing a deep dive into a story where tomorrow isn't just about putting off laundry or starting a diet, it is uh, literally a matter of life and death. We're looking at a really powerful piece of personal memoir today. And what I love about this source is that it pulls back the curtain on the internal monologue of addiction. I mean, even if you don't drink, even if you've never touched a substance in your life, you need to hear this. Because it's not just about alcohol. No. It's a masterclass on the psychology of rationalization. It's about that just one more day trap that we all fall into, whether it's with food or work or relationships. And that's the mission for this deep dive. Hmm. We wanna analyze the specific moment, and it was a very specific moment where that cycle of, I'll quit tomorrow. Finally broke. We wanna understand how a smart, capable person rationalizes self-destruction. And then you know how they finally find the exit ramp. So let's set the scene. The author, we'll call him the narrator, he takes us back to a specific morning. And honestly, it sounds like the most wholesome morning in the world. It really does. Yeah. He gets up early, takes his child to daycare, waves goodbye to his wife as she heads off to work, he's got the house to himself and this is crucial. Yeah, he has good intentions. He didn't wake up planning to blow up his life. He says he started the day intending to get some great work done and pokes up his computer ready to be productive. Exactly. A responsible adult. But then he hits the trigger and it wasn't what you'd think. It wasn't a tragedy, it wasn't a fight with his spouse or getting fired. It was. Administrative tasks. It was boredom. Boredom is such a dangerous state for the human brain, especially for someone with a history of addiction. We often think of triggers as these high stress events like trauma or heartbreak, but boredom creates a vacuum. The brain, especially a brain that's used to high dopamine spikes, it craves stimulation. So he's sitting there staring at spreadsheets or whatever, and his brain offers a solution. Just a couple of beers, right? It'll take the edge off, it'll make the paperwork bearable. And here's where it gets really interesting to me, the intellectual gymnastics of it. He admits in the text that he had gone through this one or two drinks scenario hundreds of times over 30 years, 30 years. And he had never, not once succeeded at stopping at one or two. Think about that, a 0% success rate over three decades. If you touched a hot stove a thousand times and got burned every single time, you'd think you wouldn't touch it the thousand first time. So why does the brain insist today might be different? Well, the, there's a psychological term for this called euphoric recall. Basically, the brain has a selective memory editor. When he thinks about the beer, his brain highlights the memory of the relief, that initial warmth, the relaxation that dopamine hit, and it just pushes down the bad stuff. It actively suppresses or dims the memory of the consequences. The hangover, the shame. The loss of control. He isn't remembering the crash. He's only remembering the takeoff. So his brain is literally gaslighting him, essentially. Yeah, it whispers. You're a smart guy, you can handle it this time. So he dismisses all the data and he goes to the Mani Mart. Has a 12 pack and he doesn't even make it home before cracking one. Open drinks went on the drive home and that image, I mean, five minutes ago he was a dedicated employee doing admin work, and now he's operating a vehicle while consuming alcohol. Fully aware that he's going to drink every single one of those beers. Yeah, the shift is just. Instantaneous. This really highlights the escalation of his habit, doesn't it? Yeah. The source mentions he'd been a daily drinker for the previous five years. Right? But before that, he was a binge drinker. It crept up on him. That's the classic progression. It moves from problematic incidents to maintenance, drinking. What really stands out in this text is the level of deception, the whole architecture of lies he built to protect the drinking, hiding liquor, lying constantly. The part that really struck me was when he mentioned leaving town for work. Oh, that's a profound detail. He would manufacture work trips just so he could go to a hotel in a different city, be completely unobserved, and just get as sloppy as he wanted without judgment. That sounds incredibly lonely. It's profound isolation. You are removing yourself from the people who love you, just so you can protect your relationship with the substance. The addiction had become the primary relationship in his life. Yeah, everything else, wife, kid, job was secondary and the mental loop he describes. I mean, it's exhausting just reading it. I have to quit drinking, followed immediately. Wow. It's different about today. I'll quit tomorrow So let's go back to that morning. He's back from the mini mart. It's 9:30 AM Most people are checking emails or having a second cup of coffee. Where's our narrator? He is 10 beers deep. Wow. 9:30 AM and 10 beers down. Yeah, that is. That is heavy. It is, and the emotional state he describes is just heartbreaking. He isn't partying, he isn't having a good time. He's filled with self-hatred and he is already planning the next lie. His brain is already spinning more webs, concocting lies for his wife about why he seems off making up excuses for his boss about why the work isn't done and the irony he points out is just brutal. He said he was planning to cook on the grill that evening. Yes. He actually considered himself a good husband 'cause he helped with cooking. That's a classic example of compartmentalization or what some psychologists call hanging onto an identity anchor. As long as he performs the role of good husband, you know, grilling the stakes, asking about the day, he can tell himself he doesn't really have a problem. Real alcoholics live under bridges, right? They don't marinate flank steak. Exactly. Meanwhile, he's actively calculating if he can sneak out for a second 12 pack to get him through the evening. So he's drunk. Planning to get drunker. Yeah, but hanging onto this shred of identity is the helpful guy. He's trying to balance the equation of his life while the house is on fire. So he's at the bottom 10 beers in full of self-hate planning the next lie, but then something shifts. This is the pivot point of his entire existence. He says that amidst all that chaos and planning, the noise just stopped and he heard two simple words. Internally, you're done. You're done. Not, you should stop, not please stop. Just. A statement of fact and what was different this time was the absence of struggle. Exactly. In all those previous I'll quit tomorrow moments, there was a negotiation, a debate, I'll quit, but let me finish the weekend first. But here he says the struggle was over. He just knew he wasn't gonna drink anymore. It reminds me of the concept of surrender. That's exactly what it is. In recovery, there's a big difference between submission and surrender. Submission is when you begrudgingly agree to stop because you have to, but you're still angry about it. You're gritting your teeth, surrender is dropping the rope, you stop fighting the reality, you admit, defeat. And paradoxically, that admission of defeat is the only way to win. So he takes action. Immediately doesn't wait to sober up or present a better version of himself. No. He goes to his first Alcoholics synonymous meeting that very evening, which is a bold move. Yeah. He mentions he still smelled of alcohol. I love that detail. He just showed up messy. He went to the only place he knew where you go to stop drinking, and his initial impressions of that meeting are fascinating. He walks in expecting a funeral, right? Yeah. Misery loves company room full of people crying in their coffee. Precisely. But instead he found people laughing. Smiling. They were open about their imperfections and their troubles. Some really dark stuff, but there was joy there. And he describes feeling hope for the first time in ages, but then he hits a roadblock. And for a lot of people, especially in our modern secular world, this is a massive barrier to entry the G word. God, yes. He hears someone share that it took God to get me sober. And for our narrator, this was almost a deal breaker. Yeah, we need to unpack this because he had some serious baggage. He says he separated himself from all things religious. When he was 19, he felt tortured by belief systems. He was a rationalist and intellectual. So hearing that this program relied on God. That must have sounded like backward thinking to him. Absolutely. He felt like he was being asked to check his brain at the door, but, and this is a testament to how desperate he was or maybe how powerful that your done moment was. He didn't leave, he took the book home, the famous big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Right. And he reads the first 164 pages in 24 hours, which is dense reading, by the way. And this is where his personality really shines through for me. He's reading this life-saving text, but his reaction is. Well, it's arrogant. It is incredibly arrogant, and he admits it with such good humor. Now, he breezed through chapters like two wives and to the employer because he thought, what does this have to do with me? I'm self-employed. I'm not a wife. Skip. That's that terminal uniqueness you mentioned earlier, isn't it? 100%. Terminal uniqueness is the belief that I am different. My case is special. These rules don't apply to my complex superior intellect. It's an ego defense mechanism. He was even critiquing the writing style. Yes. He thought it was poorly written and elementary instructure, he literally thought I could fix this up a bit. Here's a guy who was drunk at 9:30 AM Yeah. Thinking he's smarter than the book that has saved millions of lives. It's hilarious, but that's the trap of the intellect, isn't it? We think our intelligence can solve emotional problems. He thought if he could just analyze the problem enough, he would solve it. But here's the crucial part. Despite the critique, despite the arrogance, he admits that the content overwhelmed him with how much sense it made. The logic of it bypassed his. It did. The simple truth of the program cut through all the intellectual defense mechanisms. He realized that despite the elementary structure, it contained the blue pint he'd been looking for for 30 years. So let's fast forward. What happened to him? Does it stick? It stuck. The source text tells us he has been sober since that day in June, 2007, not a drink or a drug since. That is incredible from tomorrow, never comes to over a decade of sobriety, and he makes an important distinction. He says the obsession is gone. He might have the occasional thought about drinking, but that driving irresistible need, the compulsion has lifted. He's neutral. And what about the god thing? The deal breaker. How did he resolve that? He evolved. He says he developed a relationship with God as he understands God. Yeah. That's a core tenet of aa. It's not about adopting someone else's theology, it's about finding a power greater than yourself that makes sense to you. He uses a phrase later that I really like. The God I still don't understand. I love that it suggests you don't need to have it all figured out to get the benefit. You don't need to understand the chemical composition of an aspirin to take it for a headache. You just have to swallow it. Exactly. He stopped trying to define the higher power and just started using the support. So it's about surrender, not theology precisely. And that surrender led him to a place of purpose. He says he now sees value in his past experiences, even the painful ones, because they allow him to help other alcoholics. He went from hiding in a hotel room in another town, lying to everyone, to actively reaching out and sponsoring other men. It's a complete 180. It's alchemy. Turning the lead of his addiction into the gold of service. He mentioned sponsors sponsees, thousands of meetings. He found a piece he never knew existed. So let's zoom out. What's the takeaway here for the listener who might not be an alcoholic but has their own tomorrow loop? Maybe it's procrastination or perfectionism. I think the lesson here is about the trap of the intellect. Well, look at our narrator. He was smart. He was capable. He spent 30 years trying to think his way out of his behavior. He negotiated. He rationalized, he planned. He thought he could outsmart the bottle. He thought his brain was the solution, but his brain was actually the problem. He even thought he could outright the recovery book exactly, but the solution didn't come from his cleverness. It came from surrender. It came from that moment of admitting, I don't know how to fix this. It seems like we live in a culture that tells us if we just get enough data, if we just listen to enough podcasts or read enough life hack books, we can solve anything, right? We treat emotional and spiritual problems like they're mass equations, but some problems aren't. Logic puzzles, they're cages, and you don't pick the lock with logic. You get out by asking for help and surrendering the idea that you are in charge. That's a terrifying thing for a smart person to do, to admit they aren't the CEO of their own universe. It feels like death to the ego, but as this story shows, it's actually the beginning of life finally, tomorrow. It's such a hopeful title because it implies that the cycle can break. It doesn't have to go on forever. It doesn. But you have to be willing to sit in that 9:30 AM moment, whatever that looks like for you, and listen to that quieter voice that says you're done. And maybe stop critiquing the grammar of the people trying to help you. Yes. Don't push away the lifeboat because it's painted the wrong color. Humility is the key that unlocks the door. We've covered a lot of ground here, but before we wrap up, I wanna leave the listener with something to chew on. Sure. The narrator found his piece through a. God, he still doesn't understand. He stopped trying to define it and just let it work. Utility over definition, that's the key. So here's the question for you listening right now. Is there a problem in your life that you are currently trying to solve By understanding it perfectly? Are you researching it, analyzing it, agonizing over the details, thinking if you just get enough data, you'll fix it? Are you waiting for the perfect plan before you take the first step? And what would happen if you stopped trying to understand it and just focused on surrendering control? What if the solution doesn't require you to be the smartest person in the room, but just the most willing? Sometimes you have to stop thinking to finally get to tomorrow. That's it for this deep dive. Thanks for listening. Take care of yourselves and we'll catch you on the next one. Hey, we hope you enjoyed today's episode. If something you heard today resonated, we'd love to hear your take on it. Feedback and story submissions are always welcome at daryl_r@milesofrecovery.com. That's DARY l_r@milesofrecovery.com or kim r@milesofrecovery.com. That's KI MRE r. At miles of recovery.com, this podcast exists to share experience, strength, and hope, not advice or instructions. And it is not a replacement for meetings or professional help. Support is always available through the National Helpline at 1-800-662-FOUR 3 5 7. That's 1-800-662-FOUR 3 5 7. We are producing this as a not-for-profit project. We are asking for donations only to defray the costs involved in producing the podcast. There is no obligation, but if you feel inclined to donate to miles of recovery, it's super easy at buy me a coffee.com/miles of recovery. Thank you. We hope to hear from you. Join us next week for a story considering if life was fair and remember from the wise mind of Fred Rogers. There is no normal life that is free of pain. It's the very wrestling with our problems that can be the impetus for our growth. See you next time. I.