Principles before Personalities

True Stories of Alcoholics and Addicts.  Struggles, insights, physical, emotional and spiritual recovery.

Transcript

Daryl 0:00

Welcome to this week's episode of Miles of Recovery. My name is Darrell. And I'm Kim. We're glad you've joined us. We're here to share true recovery stories. We try to ensure we follow the process, often outlined in recovery, storytelling of what it was like, what happened, and what it's like. Now, please note this podcast is not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous or any other 12 step recovery program. Please enjoy this week's story titled and I quote Principles Before Personalities. A's 12th tradition refers to principles before personalities, or stated another way, pay attention to the message sometimes in spite of your judgment of the messenger for a number of years, my home group was an early morning AA meeting. It lasted 60 minutes and met daily. It was an open meeting with open discussion each day. We included some standard readings. Then the chairperson for that day would read a bit of AA literature, share their experiences as it related to their reading, and then call on people to share. The last 15 minutes was open for anyone to share. We had frequent newcomers, a number of old timers, and some folks still struggling to make the program work for them. After repeated attempts, I spent my sober years three to 10 there. One of the more senior members would often comment that he was. In no danger of getting well too soon. This helped me realize that my learning time in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous was to continue throughout my sober life. I have found that meetings sometimes have a member that is particularly strong in book knowledge. That is not me. I think of myself as more of the, I kind of get the basic concepts of the program kind of guy, but quoting page in verse is not my superpower. There was a day that my wife, a normie accompanied me to the meeting. It's a rarity for her to join me, but on this day, she was up early and decided to join me. The group always made her feel welcome and part of, on those rare occasions of her visits On this particular morning, I'm not sure what the purpose of attendance was, although that became quite clear. After the meeting on our ride home, there was a member that morning that had been at the meeting daily for about 30 days. Some of the members knew him from previous times he'd been around. It became apparent that he had been in or around the program for close to 30 years, but had not been able to stitch together any significant longer term sobriety. But boy did he know the big book every day. Truly every day when the open share portion of the meeting opened up, he would be the first to jump in. He often had a quote directly from the book of AA at the tip of his tongue, and would start his share with that. I'd gotten in the habit of tuning him out. When he would begin his share, and that's exactly what I did on that day. His behavior and voice became an irritation to me, so the words spoken no longer were received by me. It was a good time to get up and get some more coffee or think about what lay ahead for the day. I certainly was not listening to what he was sharing. When he finished, there was a sigh of relief and if there was time left, someone else would share until the meeting concluded at seven 30. After the meeting, my wife and I drove the 20 minutes home talking about the meeting. Her comment to me was, wow, did you hear what we'll call him? Joe said, I thought that was really insightful. My response was something like, no, I've heard him too many times before, but I was intrigued, so I asked, what did you like about it? Well, he said that the big book says that we now have a new employer. On page 63, which means to him that we had an old employer and that old employer really liked our work and always wants us back. My mind was just a little bit blown. What an insight and a great way to make a point about who we were serving during our drinking years. Now, if you're unclear, the new employer with a capital E refers to a higher power or God, and Joe's reference to our old employer refers to a lower power, dark side, or simply our addiction. Some reflection on my part provided me another nugget. There were a number of things I learned about myself from that single incident, but paramount is that I need to better focus on the principles, not the personalities. In our meetings as the 12th AA tradition reminds us to place principles before personalities. I mentioned earlier that I wasn't sure why my wife accompanied me that day. She only goes to one or two meetings a year. The reality today is I know exactly why she was there that day. She did not hold the prejudice to this particular personality that I had developed. So she listened and heard what I needed to hear and that my friends is God doing for me What I could not do for myself. I'm sure glad God guided her to join me that day. I'm grateful for many, many things in my life, but the ability to continually learn is right at the top of that list. My goal today, because I know that quote I'm in no danger of getting well too soon, is to keep an open ear, an open mind, and be honest with myself so I can keep learning and growing in my sober life. A nice reminder that we claim spiritual progress, not perfection. We hope you enjoyed this week's story of an alcoholic's experience and what we learned from it as an alcoholic in recovery through Alcoholics Anonymous for over 18 years, I'm still no expert and I understand how much more there is to learn. And that brings us to the next portion of the show, AI review of this story. If you're new here and maybe a little skeptical of ai, we hope you'll listen with an open mind. The AI analysis has been so specifically spot on to my alcoholic and addictive thinking and behavior that despite my time in aa, having worked the steps, attended thousands of meetings, worked with sponsors and sponsees, I've gained new and fresh insights from these reviews. So in the words of Herbert Spencer. Page 5 68. In our big book, there is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a person in everlasting ignorance. That principle is contempt prior to investigation. So stay with us for the following review of the story. The voices you'll hear are not ours. These are audio avatars, but they get right to the meat of the subject. Please take what you like and leave the rest.

6:27

Welcome to another deep dive. Whether you are throwing this on during your morning commute, uh, maybe knocking out some chores around the house, or you just have this endless curiosity about the strange, beautiful, and let's be honest, sometimes really frustrating way as human beings operate. You are in the perfect headspace for what we have lined up today. Yeah, we are definitely getting into some deeply human territory today. It's the kind of topic that's gonna challenge how you process information, but um. More specifically, it's gonna challenge who you actually allow yourself to learn from, right? Because we all have blind spots when it comes to the messengers in our lives, and this exploration is gonna shine a massive floodlight, right on those blind spots. It really is. So our mission for this deep dive is to explore a firsthand personal essay. It was written by a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and the narrative is simply titled. Principles before Personalities such a great title. It sets it up perfectly, and the entire focus of this piece is on a profound universal phenomenon. It's about the absolute tragedy of missing out on life, changing wisdom simply because we have already judged the person delivering it, which is something we all do. We all do it right? Think about that for a second. Think about the person in your life, or maybe in your office or your home group, whose voice just makes you instantly roll your eyes. You know the one. Hmm. What are you actually missing when you automatically tune them out? It is a trap that is incredibly easy to fall into, especially in environments where people are sharing vulnerably. You know, we look at the messenger, we spot a glaring flaw in their track record, or maybe just their delivery or their personality. And we use that flaw as a convenient excuse to entirely dismiss the message. Exactly. It's an ego-driven filter. Mm-hmm. And this narrative shows just how dangerous that filter can be. It really does. Let's unpack this. We need to start by setting the scene. The author places us right in the middle of their morning routine. The setting is an early morning meeting. yeah. And it is a 60 minute open discussion format. Anyone who frequents a morning meeting knows that very specific pre-dawn energy. It's a unique vibe. You have the standard readings to open things up, the chairperson sharing their experience on the daily literature, and then that crucial. Final 15 minutes, right? The open floor, exactly that last quarter of the meeting is always left completely open for anyone in the room to share. And the room itself is that classic cross section of humanity. You have your frequent newcomers, a solid bedrock of old timers, and then the folks who are still really struggling to make after repeated attempts, which is the reality of those rooms. To really understand the lens we are looking through, we have to talk about where the author is in their own journey. At the time this story takes place, the author is spending their sober years three through 10 at this specific meeting, which is such a pivotal era of recovery to document. Years three through 10 are fascinating. How so? Well, the author is well past the initial highly volatile triage phase of those first couple of years. They aren't constantly fighting just to survive the day anymore. Instead, they're in the long, sometimes tedious process of cementing their long-term foundation. It is a time when complacency can very easily sneak in. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. You get comfortable. Yeah. But the author is actually incredibly self-aware about their own program and their style. They describe themselves as a basic concepts kind of person. Right. They explicitly state that quoting the big book page in verse is not their superpower. They grasp the overarching themes, the spiritual concepts, but they aren't treating the literature like a rigid academic textbook to be memorized. That self-awareness is the perfect setup for the central conflict we are about to see. Because before getting into the clash, the author shares a piece of wisdom from one of the senior members of that group. I love this part. This older member would frequently remind the room that he was. This is a quote in no danger of getting well too soon. That is just such a great phrase in no danger of getting well too soon. What's fascinating here is how that single phrase beautifully encapsulates the lifelong learner mindset. It is a public acknowledgement that growth in recovery and just in life in general is a continuous. Never ending process. Mm. There is no graduation day. There is no finish line where you suddenly know everything. Your character defects are magically cured and you are perfectly fixed. It takes the pressure off, but it also demands constant vigilance. You don't just get a diploma in being a flawless human being and clock out. Exactly. You never clock out. The author actually mentions that hearing the senior members quote, help them realize their time as a student was going to continue throughout their entire life. Which brings us inevitably to the primary source of friction in our story. Every group has its own unique cast of character. Oh, absolutely. And in this meeting, there is a man, the author calls Joe ah, Joe. Joe represents a very specific archetype that anyone who has spent time in these rooms, or really any community group, will instantly recognize he's the ultimate foil to our author's basic concepts approach. The contradictions in Joe's character are honestly staggering. So at the time of this story, Joe has been attending the meeting daily and currently has 30 days of sobriety. Okay. But the room knows Joe's history. It becomes apparent that Joe has been in or around the program for. Close to 30 years. Wow. 30 years, three decades of trying to make it work. Yet he's sitting with just 30 days under his belt. That gap between his 30 years of exposure and his 30 days of continuous sobriety is the first layer of the author's prejudice. It's the first thing they judge him on. But the second layer, the part that really grates on the author is Joe's communication style, right? Because despite his inability to maintain long-term sobriety, Joe is an absolute encyclopedia of the big book. He's the guy who has it all memorized verbatim every single day. When that open share portion of the meeting begins for the last 15 minutes, Joe is the very first person to jump in. And he doesn't just share his feelings or how his morning is going. He leads with a direct word, perfect quote from the literature every day. Every single day. He uses these rigid quotes as the launching pad for his daily shares, which creates this massive clash of styles. You have the author who admits, quoting page and verse, isn't their thing being confronted every single morning by a man who wields verbatim quotes like a weapon? Yeah, that would be a lot before sunrise. Right, and he is doing it, despite struggling to actually apply those very concepts to keep himself sober. It feels hypocritical to the author. The author gets vulnerable here about their internal reaction to this dynamic. They admit to developing a deeply ingrained, almost reflexive habit of entirely tuning Joe out, just completely shutting him down. Yeah. The author writes that Joe's behavior, his academic style, and even just the sound of his voice, had become a profound physical irritation. Think about the mechanics of that prejudice, because it is so incredibly common. We all do this. The author notes that the moment Joe started speaking, the words were simply no longer received. The author would physically and mentally check out. They literally walk away, right? Yeah. Yeah, they used Joe's sharing time as an excuse to get up, go to the back of the room, grab some more coffee, or just stare at the wall and daydream about their schedule for the day ahead. What they were actively, deliberately refusing to listen. The resentment is palpable in the text. Mm-hmm. The author even mentions waiting for the collective sigh of relief in the room when Joe finally finishes talking. Just hoping there is still time left for someone else, someone they de more worthy of listening to, to jump in. The core issue outlined here is the act of blocking a message entirely because of our judgment of the messenger. The author is running a silent calculation in their head. A mental ledger. Exactly. Yeah. They look at Joe's 30 days of sobriety weighed against his 30 years of trying. Listen to his overly academic quoting, feel irritated by his voice and conclude. This person has absolutely nothing of value to offer me. It is the ultimate ego trap deciding you are above learning from someone because their journey looks messier than yours. When you shut off a potential source of wisdom, simply because you don't like the packaging it comes in, you are the one who starves, and this is exactly where the narrative takes some massive turn brought on by a disruption to the author's daily routine. Enter the crucial third character in our story. Yeah. The author's wife. Now, the wife is a normie. Meaning she is not in the program herself. The author explains that it is incredibly rare for her to join him. It's an early morning, after all, seriously. She might attend one or two open meetings a year with him to show support, but the group always welcomes her warmly and makes her feel like a part of the room on those rare occasions. On this specific morning for reasons the author doesn't even understand at the time, she decides to tag along. She sits next to him through the readings, the chairperson's chair, and then. The open discussion, meaning she sits right there while Joe jumps in first, as always with his daily quote from the book, the meeting wraps up, they say their goodbyes and they get into their car for the 20 minute drive home. Here's where it gets really interesting. The author's probably expecting a quiet drive, maybe some casual small talk, but the wife. Shatters the silence. She turns to him. Yeah, she turns to him and says, wow. Did you hear what Joe said? I thought that was really insightful. The author's knee jerk response is totally dismissive. He essentially brushes her off saying something like, no, I didn't hear it. I've heard him too many times before. It is that classic veteran arrogance. I've heard it all before. Exactly. But despite his stubbornness, there is this tiny crack in the armor. A little bit of curiosity slips through the resentment he asks her, well, what did you like about it? Thank goodness he left that tiny window open, because the insight she relays back to him in that car is the absolute masterpiece of this entire essay. She breaks down what Joe had shared. She says that Joe referenced page 63 of the big book, which previously states that we now have a new employer, right? And Joe, in his analytical academic way, deduced a logical conclusion from that sentence. Joe said that if the text specifically points out that we have a new employer, then by definition. There must have been an old employer, and Joe took that linguistic observation and pushed it one step further to create a truly staggering metaphor. He told the room that this old employer really liked our work and always wants us back. Let that sink in. Really liked our work and always wants us back. If we connect this to the bigger picture of psychology and recovery. The brilliance of this metaphor is breathtaking. The author defines the terms for us to ensure the impact lands. The new employer spelled with a capital E, represents a higher power God, or whatever. Spiritual principles guide a person's recovery, right? A positive force. Yes. And the old employer represents a lower power, the dark side, the ego, or quite simply, the person's addiction, personifying addiction. As a former boss, it is chilling because of how accurate it feels. It completely reframes the daily struggle. This isn't just an abstract bad habit you're trying to distance yourself from. Joe's Metaphor paints addiction as an active, aggressive recruiting force. It is a former manager who knows exactly what buttons to push. Think about it. This old employer knows your weaknesses. Knows your schedule and knows exactly how hard you used to work for them during your drinking years. You really put in the hours for that boss. You put in the overtime, you sacrificed your relationships, your health and your finances for that old employer, and now that manager is constantly leaving voicemails trying to po you back to the company. The author writes about how profound this realization was. They note what an incredible way it is to visualize who we were serving during our darkest years. You aren't just hosting in sobriety. You are actively refusing a job offer from an old employer every single day. What stands out to you about that framing? Think about your own life. Whether you are in recovery or not. When we personify our worst traits, our toxic relationships, or our deepest insecurities, not as abstract concepts, but as an old employer who highly valued our worst behaviors, it radically changes how we interact with those temptations. It totally does. It externalizes the threat. It is much easier to say no to a toxic boss calling you on the phone than it is to fight a vague feeling in your own head. It gives you a tangible enemy to reject. So. What does this all mean for the author? Hearing this metaphor relayed by his wife in the car doesn't just give him a clever new way to think about addiction. It fundamentally shatters his current understanding of his own program. The fallout from this conversation forces the author into some deep, uncomfortable reflection. They describe this single incident as providing a massive nugget of truth, and the Paramount lesson was a. Sudden glaring realization of their own hypocrisy regarding the 12th tradition. The 12th tradition, which is a cornerstone concept that asks members to place principles before personalities. The author translates this into practical terms for us, it means paying attention to the message and valuing the underlying truth entirely in spite of your judgment of the messenger delivering it. And the author is forced to admit they had been completely failing at this core tenet. They had put Joe's personality, his grading voice, his repetitive academic style, his lack of continuous clean time so far in front of the spiritual principles he was sharing that the author became literally deaf to a lifesaving piece of wisdom. They just couldn't hear it. The resentment had formed a soundproof wall around the author's ego. Which leads the author to a beautiful, humbling conclusion about why his wife was actually in the room that morning. Earlier he noted he had no idea why she decided to tag along that specific day outta the entire year. But by the end of this reflection, the author states with absolute certainty that he knows exactly why she was there. She was functioning as the clean filter. Yet the narrative points out that she did not carry the baggage of prejudice towards Joe that the author had spent years developing. She didn't know Joe had been trying to get sober for three decades. She didn't care that he was the guy who always quoted the book verbatim. She had no context for any of that. None. She didn't have a preconceived hierarchy of who was worthy to speak. She just listened to the words because she had an open mind, unclouded by ego. She heard the exact message the author desperately needed to hear, but was too stubborn to hear for himself. The author views this entire sequence of events through a deeply spiritual lens. They conclude that this unexpected dynamic was a prime example of a higher power doing for them what they could not do for themselves. Right. In the author's view, his wife was guided to join him that morning, specifically to act as a bypass valve around his own stubborn prejudice. It is a phenomenal way to view the unexpected people who enter our lives or the seemingly random disruptions to our routines. Sometimes the universe has to send a translator, not because the language being spoken is foreign, but because our own judgments have caused us to plug our ears. The narrative wraps up by focusing on the author's path forward, having been humbled by this experience. They outline their ultimate goals. And they circle right back to that initial concept of being a lifelong learner, the guy who is in no danger of getting well too soon. Exactly. The author states they are grateful for many things in their life, but the ongoing ability to continue learning sits right at the very top of that list to maintain that ability to learn. The author stated goals for the day are incredibly clear and grounded. They want to keep an open ear, to keep an open mind, and above all to remain relentlessly honest with themselves about their own prejudices. Because that honesty is the only antidote to the ego trap. If you can't admit that you are tuning people out because of arrogance, you can never remove the filter. The essay closes with a final vital reminder that grounds the entire program. The pursuit is spiritual progress, not perfection, spiritual progress, not perfection. What a powerful place to land. This deep dive really holds up a mirror to how we navigate the world. We started by looking at a routine morning meeting and we ended up dissecting a massive universal lesson about the danger of letting our petty irritations silence the wisdom that is sitting right in front of us. It is terrifyingly easy to sabotage our own growth. When we are tired or feeling superior, we actively look for a reason to invalidate the person speaking so we don't have to do the heavy lifting of digesting what they're actually saying. It is intellectual laziness disguised as discernment. If we fixate on the flaws of the messenger, whether it is their tone of voice, their past failures, or just how annoying their habits are, we are the ones who ultimately lose out on the old employer metaphors of the world. Profound wisdom frequently comes from the most irritating, contradictory, and imperfect sources, but we can only receive it if we have the discipline to place the principles before the personalities. The most valuable part of this text is the author's willingness to expose their own shortcomings. They didn't try to paint themselves as the enlightened hero. Not at all. They admitted, they rolled their eyes, got up to get coffee, and ignored a man who was fighting for his life by owning that prejudice so publicly, they dismantled it and allowed all of us to learn from their mistake. That is the real work in action. We have covered a lot of ground today from the daily rhythms to the mechanics of ego, to the life-saving nature of an open mind.

Daryl 23:53

We sure hope you enjoyed today's episode. This podcast exists to share experience, strength, and hope, not advice or instructions, and it is not a replacement for meetings or professional help. Support is always available through the National helpline at 1-800-662-FOUR 3 5 7. We are producing this as a not-for-profit project. Nonetheless, we are asking for donations. Only to help defray the costs involved in producing and publishing the podcast. There is no obligation. But if you feel inclined to donate to Miles of Recovery, it's super easy at buy me a coffee.com/miles of recovery. And thank you, and we hope to hear from you. If something you heard today resonated, we'd love your take on it. Feedback and story submissions are encouraged at. Daryl r@milesofrecovery.com. That's DARY, lco r@milesofrecovery.com. And if you enjoyed this podcast, remember to like, share and follow. Join us next week for a story we'll call back. Road intuition. And remember what Fred Rogers, everyone's favorite neighbor says, there's no normal life that's free of pain. It's the very wrestling with our problems that can be the impetus for our growth. We're looking forward to sharing with you next week.