Impatient? Try Levitating!

True Stories of Alcoholics and Addicts.  Struggles, insights, physical, emotional and spiritual recovery.

Transcript

Daryl 0:17

Hello, welcome to another episode of Miles of Recovery. Kim, how are you feeling? Well, as you know, I've been a bit under the weather this week, but I'm finally feeling pretty much back to normal, so thank you for asking. This week we're gonna take a fresh look at a reading from The Daily Reflections, a book often read in AA to generate a topic for the meeting. We appreciate all the feedback and want to hear your thoughts. As always, your story submissions are encouraged. Please note this podcast is not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous or any other 12 step recovery program. Please enjoy this week's show based on the story titled Impatient. Try levitating. Levitating is the answer to my problem. I got so aggravated and irritated with the reading that I ignored. The deeper message of that June 10th daily reflection reading titled, impatient Try Levitating. Good grief. How ridiculous is that new in recovery? In fact, on the first June 10th of my recovery journey, I had exactly 362 days of sobriety. And to say the least, I was in no danger of getting well too soon. Levitation did not seem reasonable or worth any real world contemplation to me at that time in my recovery with that reading on that first of my now numerous June 10th anniversaries in sobriety. What I heard from the full reading was that if you're in traffic and irritated, imagine levitating above the car in front of you. Picture grandma and grandpa happily discussing their grandkids, and you'll feel better again. Good grief. Seemed ridiculous. Here's how I learn. Punch me in the gut in my hometown of Florence, Oregon. At the time of my early recovery days, I attended meetings almost daily and had gotten quite comfortable with them. I was still working as a salesman, so did some traveling, and was busy most weekdays. The folks at my home group often spoke of this great meeting at noon on Wednesdays in a small town called Gardner. Just a quick 30 minute drive south of Florence. I thought for a long time about how much I'd like to attend, but didn't they understand some of us have to work and midweek at noon? Could there be a less conducive time for a meeting? I could admit I wasn't well yet. I finally had a day that I thought I could fit the meeting into my busy schedule. I was concluding my work at home before leaving for three days away for work, and my initial travel would take me through Gardner. I planned to leave the house at around 1115 to allow time to get there, to say hello and introduce myself to folks that didn't know me. Naturally, I pushed the timetable and didn't leave the house until 1130, but no concerns. If you'll recall, it was a 30 minute drive. As I joined the small two lane highway leading the gardener, I got behind a large older model sedan. The speed limit there was 55, and whoever was driving the car in front of me obviously thought it was 45. Anxiety about being late to the meeting, gradually built into frustration. No opportunities to pass, and this car is not speeding up. After a couple of minutes, my frustration was building to aggravation. Can't they see 'em tailgating and get the hint that they should get out of my way? Doesn't the driver know there's something important I need to get to? Can he read the sign? Slower traffic, use turnouts. 15 minutes behind this knucklehead. Now I know I'm going to be late to the meeting that I've been excited to experience. I just know I'll miss some important piece of information that will change the entire trajectory of my recovery and probably provide me with some longer term Serenity Aggravation was now building to full blown anger. Anger was boiling over as we approached Gardner just a mile or so before entering the town. The road splits into four lanes providing an opportunity for passing. From having driven this road many times before I knew this opportunity was approaching to both pass the car and make certain they knew just how irritated I was. I changed lanes with a particular finger on my right hand, prepared to wave at the driver, and as I approached, I shot an angry stare at the driver who I immediately recognized It was an old timer from my home group. He was comfortably something might say serenely, driving to the same meeting I was going to. The feelings that went through me in that moment were many and varied. He did not see me at that worst of behavior moments. Nonetheless, I felt embarrassed, regretful, ashamed, kind of dumb, and upset with myself. I also remember feeling gratitude for him, not seeing me scowl, and I never even got the hand gesture up to the window before I saw who it was. I learned a lot of things from that experience. I saw what Serenity looked like. He was not going to be at the meeting at or before exactly noon. It did not affect his demeanor. It didn't force him to hurry or worry about some knucklehead tailgating him for 20 minutes. I gained a better understanding of the phrase I had heard a number of times. You're never late to any meeting, but you're first. And that reading of impatient tri Levitating flashed in my mind a bit late to save me from that period of frustration. Irritation, aggravation, anger, and embarrassment, but at just the right time to make the impact on me for future similar situations. Virtually every time I'm on a road now and anyone is in front of me, that can slow me down. This experience comes to mind. I can picture myself levitating over the car and seeing my sober friend, relaxed and serene, headed to that meeting. I'm sure some of you would like to hear the entire reflection from that day. And I hope this admission of my learning experience can help you in similar situations. So here is that reading in its entirety from June 10th. Daily Reflections. We reacted more strongly to frustrations than normal people. That's from the book, as Bill sees it. Page one 11 In patience with other people is one of my principle failings. Following a slow car in a no passing lane or waiting in a restaurant for the check drives me to distraction. Before I give God a chance to slow me down, I explode. And that's what I call being quicker than God. That repeated experience gave me an idea. I thought if I could look down on these events from God's point of view, I might better control my feelings and behavior. I tried it and when I encountered the next slow driver, I levitated and looked down on the other car and upon myself. I saw an elderly couple driving along, happily chatting about their grandchildren. They were followed by me, bug-eyed and red-faced who had no time scheduled to meet. Anyway, I looked so silly that I dropped back into reality and slowed down. Seeing things from God's angle of vision can be very relaxing. I. I really enjoyed your story today, Darrell, and it seems like you learned a thing or two, at least a thing or two. Quite funny on reflection, but certainly was not funny in the moment. Let's see where that addict brain of yours took you this time, shall we? You're early in sobriety, driving down a rural highway, and you are stressed out. You're rushing and frustrated. Yeah, I was super rushing to start with and then I got really frustrated even though my entire focus for that day is on attending the AA meeting for my Serenity, of course. Oh, the irony. And as we'll learn, this aggravation was entirely self-imposed Yeah, I was, and I'm looking for someone to blame when I'm out there. It's the classic, can't you see I'm in a hurry? Don't you understand? I have something critical to do and I know I'm not alone. We have all, at some point in our adult lives, experienced a situation that generated those kind of feelings. So we're going back to look at the specific incident you experienced and the struggle you endured in that moment that taught you a really valuable lesson, a lesson that you've carried forward in your day-to-day life, right? Absolutely. Most of the time we're far from perfection. Our goal today is to extract a practical, surprisingly visual tool for finding serenity in the middle of those everyday aggravations. Because the aggravations will definitely continue happening. That's right. Life happens. Right? Right. You say you had exactly 362 days of sobriety when this incident occurred. That's pretty darn specific. Yeah, that is real, real specific. The reality is, um, I know how many days because it was the June 10th daily reflection, and that's three days prior to my actual sobriety date. That's a big milestone. Yeah, it was a big milestone for me. But it also means you're still pretty fresh in recovery. That's right. You're learning to navigate life, but still using a lot of your former coping mechanisms. And not surprisingly, these old tools don't always serve you well or really at all. This sounds like a vulnerable and maybe even dangerous place to be, especially behind the wheel. But this gut punch learning experience all started with that levitation reading, didn't it? Yes, it did. June 10th reading every year the same. It's titled Impatient Tri Levitating. And I'll tell you, just seeing the title I instinctively rolled my eyes. What kind of ridiculous recommendation is levitation? The title itself made me pretty much reject the reading in its entirety. Your reaction sounds a lot like another A, a gem contempt prior to investigation. Actually, today, I would say that's exactly what it is. Okay. Back to that drive. I think we could say that learning to regulate one's emotions is arguably the foundation of everything else because if you can't manage your frustration. All that hard earned knowledge or careful planning simply gets hijacked by your stress response, right? Right. Knowledge alone won't keep us sober, sane, or serene. A few days before this eventful drive, we're reading their daily reflection At the beginning of a meeting, the passage starts with a short quote from the AA book called, as Bill Sees it. For anyone not familiar with who Bill is, can you help us with that? Of course. The bill in this reference is Bill Wilson. He's considered the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous and the man that wrote much of the book of Alcoholic Anonymous. As well as a number of other books on the subject of recovery. So from this book, as Bill sees it, this short sentence states, we meaning alcoholics react more strongly to frustrations than normal people, which it, I personally can attest to. And that was my reality on that day. And after that quote, in the daily reflection, there's an example of one alcoholic's experience that illustrates a solution to this alcoholic. Trait, shall we say? That's right. And in this particular instance, that anonymous person titled their reflection, impatient, try levitating. Impatient, try levitating. Which honestly just sounds annoying. Yeah. My reaction to this title is basically a dismissive eye roll, because the reading suggests that if you're sitting in traffic completely irritated, you should imagine yourself levitating above the cars like floating. Yeah. Just floating up above everything. You picture the slow drivers in front of you as a grandma and grandpa happily chatting away about their grandkids, and supposedly poof, you'll feel better. Seemed pretty woo woo at the time. The very idea of levitation just did not seem reasonable or worth any real world contemplation to you. Then when you're in the stress red zone, I can see how advice like that might sound even a bit condescending. It did. Here's what I can compare it to today, and I'm sure you can relate. Your computer crashes and deletes A major presentation ever happened to you, Kim. You've been working on it for a month, so a coworker taps you on the shoulder and says. Hey, just close your eyes and visualize the data returning to the hard drive. So you're saying it doesn't sound helpful? No, honestly, it sounded stupid. So in hindsight, I know it works. So why do our brains actively repel this kind of advice we need it most? Like why is the initial reaction immediately dismissive? It's fascinating. When we're anxious or frustrated, our brains are actively in a state of threat. We perceive a barrier to our goal and the response driven by, well, shall we say, our lower brain is to gain control with action. We wanna push, we wanna force the issue. Physically clear the obstacle. Exactly. And that's what I was trying to do that day. I was like, tailgating, honking a horn, or maybe even having that middle finger ready to make my aggravation known. But imagination, visualization, even levitation, those all require surrender. They require letting go of control. That's right. And my brain was basically activating a bulldozer, but all that was being suggested was to activate my imagination and picture a peaceful scene. Hmm. Which your story illustrates when your baseline is already a bit raw. Maybe because you're in early recovery, or perhaps just because you're deeply burned out from the demands of life. A minor frustration doesn't process as minor. Mm. It processes as a threat to your schedule. Your peace and even maybe your autonomy. So in my case, let's see how that threat response actually played out. Okay. Because we are moving now from the theoretical eye roll into a very stressful reality for you, right? Absolutely. Yeah. This is where it gets highly relatable for sure. You're living in Florence, Oregon, working as a salesman, doing a lot of traveling. Very busy during the work days. Lots of driving. Yeah, lots and lots of driving, but in my home group, people keep talking about this. Great meeting at noon on Wednesdays. And this meeting is in a different town, right? Yeah, it's in a small town called Gardiner It's about a half an hour south of Florence. Okay. 30 minutes. Not too bad. Right. But you were whining about that meeting, weren't you? I was, yeah. To me, a midweek, midday meeting, Wednesday at noon is the worst time ever for someone who's working, or at least on my schedule. I'm too busy. I'm always outta town midweek and noon is a ridiculous time for a meeting anyway. Of course being self-centered, I was totally disregarding the folks on their lunch break that seen noon as the perfect time to fit a meeting in, which is likely why the meeting was originally started that way. Yeah. But you finally found a time to squeeze it into your schedule. You were heading out on a three day work trip. I see a lot of logistics and, uh, that aggravation trap gets set. Yeah, the trap was set, so you've got it planned out. You'll leave Florence at 1115, which gives you a sufficient time buffer. Sounds like a very sensible plan. Yeah. The problem was I'm not the best at keeping track of those things, and I didn't actually leave the house until about 1130. Yeah. Let's take a second right here to review this because this detail is really common. We build a buffer and then we immediately squander it. Yeah. Why do we do that? Yeah. Why do we sabotage our own schedules like that? Yeah, I can't tell you why, but I can tell you that I did exactly that on that day. I finally left the house headed for Gardner at 1130. Now I know I'm pushing it a bit, so now I've primed my nervous system, turned the panic button up a notch because I don't want to be late. But it's a 30 minute drive, so I'll get there right at noon. No buffer, but still technically I'll be on time. Alright, here it comes. You get onto that small two-lane highway and get behind the slow car. Yeah, and I'll say the slow car, the speed limit is 55 on this. The car's doing about 45, and my standard at that time was around 65. Ooh, brutal. And there are no passing lanes. Yeah, no passing lanes at all. I could hear the escalation of emotions when you were reading your story. It was like a thermometer rising. Very much so. First it's just anxiety about not quite being on time. A situation entirely of my own doing. Of course. Then after a couple minutes of absolutely no passing opportunities, that anxiety morphs into frustration because the gap between my expectation to be on time and my reality being late is widening your, uh, shall we call it early in recovery. Brain interprets that gap as a problem that needs to be solved aggressively. So the frustration turns into aggravation. You start tailgating. Yeah. At least some of you out there know exactly what I'm talking about when I say, don't they see I'm nearly touching their bumper? Take a hint. Get outta my way. I've got some important things to tend to. My internal ego driven monologue at that moment was my destination. My life and my time are far more important than yours. Your time was more valuable. Yeah. Therefore, that driver's slowness is a personal insult. You were physically raging, tailgating a stranger on a highway because you're worried about being late to a meeting. A meeting about finding serenity. That's right. Exactly. Peace. And serenity was not me that moment. I'm sure glad we can laugh about it now. I was literally experiencing road rage while rushing to go find inner peace. Anybody out there relate to this? Any of y'all ever weave through traffic and cut people off just to get to a yoga class on time? And now for the gut punch. Tell us about that moment when you get to one mile outside of Gardner and finally get a passing lane. It must be noon by now, right? Yeah. I realize the meeting is likely starting because it is noon and my anger's at a boiling point. I'm thinking finally, the ultimate revenge opportunity., but As I pull up alongside the old beater and I turned my head with eyebrows furrowed and my mouth scowling. I look at the driver in the car and everything slowed down for me. A picture of the entire event became clear. In that moment, I recognized the driver. He didn't look over and I'm grateful for that. He was totally oblivious to me, my aggravation, my discomfort, and my anger. He's just driving calmly, peacefully. Headed to the Gardner Noon meeting. It was an old timer for my home group. Oh, hold up a minute. Let's look at that contrast in the emotional states. Just to emphasize what's happening in that exact moment. You're in the passing lane, bug-eyed, red-faced, vibrating with rage, practically leaning over the steering wheel, middle finger, half raised, bug-eyed and red faced is a very nice way to say it. Yeah, not the best Look. And in the slow lane, you see the old timer, your friend, someone who's programmed you're trying to actually emulate. He's driving comfortably and serenely. And the kicker here, and the funniest part to me is he's going to the same place, the same meeting you're going to. The difference in the emotional journey over that 30 minutes could not have been more stark. The emotional fallout for me was instantaneous. I had this flood of feelings in a split second. The rage I'd had evaporated. It was replaced by embarrassment, regret, shame, and I was really upset with myself. So why do you think your anger dissipated so quickly and was replaced with the emotions you described? I think the moment I recognized who it was, my narrative of a faceless knucklehead collapsed. I no longer viewed him as an anonymous, less than object. Now I knew exactly who he was. He was a respected friend who was just driving 45 miles an hour because he wasn't time stressed. He knew the meeting would be there when he got there. You said in your story that quote, you're only late to your first meeting, and it sounds like this old timer completely understood this. Yeah. I feel very comfortable that he did, and I obviously had not at that point in my recovery. But this experience forced me to look at my own bug-eyed reflection, as you put it, compared to the old timers calm. And that was super uncomfortable. It proved undeniably that the stress wasn't caused by the traffic. The stress was entirely generated by my own self-inflicted reaction. So you got to the meeting? Yeah, I was a couple minutes late. I missed the Serenity prayer, which usually starts a meeting. And I certainly could have used that day. You know, during that hour of the meeting, I began to understand what true serenity looked like in practice, not just as a concept. The old timer was also late, didn't affect his demeanor. It didn't force him to hurry or worry. No. And it certainly didn't make him worry about the aggressive driver tailgating him for 20 minutes because his peace of mind was internal. Yeah. His serenity wasn't tethered to the speedometer or the clock like mine was. And this is where that June 10th daily reflection came full circle for you, isn't it? Yeah. The one I had written off as crazy woo woo and utterly ridiculous came Russian back to me. I reconsidered the impatient tri levitating story because now I could view it through a lens of a lived experience and it hits differently when I reread it. One line really struck me and unlocked a whole new concept for me. It says, before I give God a chance to slow me down, I explode. And that's what I call being Quicker than God. Quicker than God. That is a phrase that puts all our frustrated responses in a different light, doesn't it? Yeah, it does for me. And it defines the arrogance surrounding impatience. When we're rushing, when we're exploding with frustration behind a slow driver. Are we trying to force the universe onto our own personal timeline to dictate the pace of reality? Yeah, it's pretty well put, Kim. I'm trying to dictate the pace of reality. An obvious point to consider too is that to force the universe onto our timeline as an ego trip, especially when we're just trying to get to a noon AA meeting. But what if the urgency is real like an actual emergency? Well, naturally that burst of aggressive energy is sometimes justified and necessary, but there's an important difference here between biological urgency and ego-driven impatience. So if you're driving someone to the er, you need that focus. You need adrenaline. You need decisive action to navigate safely and quickly. Of course, what you do not need is fury at the slow minivan in front of you. That's right. My impatience doesn't actually make that car go faster. Yeah, so the quicker than God concept isn't about ignoring truly urgent situations. It's about recognizing when your aggravation is completely detached from your physical capability or even the need to change the outcome. You mean like, God, grant me this serenity to accept the things I cannot change? You're a funny girl. Yeah. Something like that. So if we connect this to the bigger picture, now it explains the actual mechanics of the levitation tool, because when we first talked about visualizing levitating above the cars, it sounded like a fluffy mindfulness trick. Right? Right. Like just distract yourself with a nice mental image. Exactly. So generating an image of yourself, looking down from God's angle of vision puts your emergency and perspective. There are times, and they are rare, thank goodness that the need is appropriate, but almost always that internal sense of frustration is not necessary and will only serve to make you full of rage. Actions that you take when you're in a heightened state like that can be very dangerous, both physically, but also just to your sense of peace. Yeah. You know, the levitation trick isn't about escaping reality into imagination. It's about using imagination to escape your own ego and return to actual reality. Mm. I love it. You realize your timeline isn't the center of the universe. Yeah. I have learned that. You know, the sponsor that originally took me through the 12 steps, Ken, God rest his soul, would ask me, is this the mountain you want to die on? Followed by. What was your part in that? Oh, jeez. He aggravated me. This tool of gaining perspective and better understanding God's timeline becomes a universal tool for any bottleneck in life. Yeah. It's a way to counteract that feeling of impatience. It starts bubbling up while I'm standing in a slow line at the grocery store, waiting in line for a hot dog at a ball game, or you know, when I'm headed to an out of town AA meeting. Get behind a slow driver. It's a vulnerable story that highlights the growth made through recovery, and a great reminder for me to not be quicker than God. Thanks for kicking this experience around with me, Kim. It's been fun and of course enlightening. We gained some tools that we can all use in our day-to-day lives. Stay patient out there, friends. God will smile knowing you're not red faced and bug-eyed. We hope you enjoyed today's show. This podcast exists to share experience, strength, and hope, not advice or instructions. And it's not a replacement for meetings or professional help. Support is always available through the national help line at 1-800-662-FOUR 3 5 7. We're producing this as a not-for-profit project. Nonetheless, we are asking for donations only to help defray the costs involved in producing and publishing the podcast. There is no obligation, but if you feel inclined to donate to Miles of Recovery, it's easy at buy me a coffee.com/miles of recovery. We hope to hear from you. If there's something you'd like to share with us, please do. Feedback and story submissions are always welcome at Daryl. r@milesofrecovery.com. That's Daryl, D-A-R-Y-L r@milesofrecovery.com. And if you enjoyed this podcast, remember to like, share, and follow. We'll be back in two weeks with a different perspective on recovery. Kim is sharing her Al-Anon recovery story. We're looking forward to sharing with you next time. Thanks for being with us.