9th Step Amends - On God's Time

The author explores the delicate balance of making amends in recovery, specifically addressing situations where reaching out might unintentionally harm others. By illustrating a personal story involving a past relationship, the story emphasizes that the goal of the Ninth Step is not to selfishly "clear one's conscience" but rather a discerned process guided by spiritual timing and always considering the well-being of the victim. This narrative shifts from a private act of writing an unsent letter to a divinely orchestrated encounter years later that allowed for a direct apology. Ultimately, the story serves to demonstrate how living amends and patient willingness allow for a resolution that benefits all parties in ways an individual could never have planned alone.

True Stories of Alcoholics and Addicts.  Struggles, insights, physical, emotional and spiritual recovery.

Transcript

Daryl 0:10

Hey, welcome to Miles of Recovery. This week, we look at a ninth step amends on God's time. If you listen to last week's episode, you might be scratching your head about why another ninth step story? Well, this is quite different than what we gleaned from last week's story, and I think quite informative as well. I'm Darrell, 18 years in recovery from alcoholism. And I'm Kim, 16 years in Al-Anon. Today, we're sharing an experience that only God could have orchestrated. There just aren't enough coincidence possible to coordinate this one. So, whether you're deep in recovery or just wondering what a sober life even looks like, we're glad you're here. The ninth step may not be where you are at right now, but we think this will be an enlightening perspective at some point in your recovery. And just a quick note, this podcast is not affiliated with AA or any other 12-step program. We simply share stories of what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. Please enjoy a ninth step amends on God's time. As so many of us did, I had romantic relationships during my drinking years. As a young man, I often didn't provide the love and support to those partners that I wish I had. This can certainly come up during an honest and searching four step, and when it does, can be transferred to our eighth step list. I had one such relationship that I felt particularly uncomfortable about. And for the purposes of this story, I will call that girlfriend Lucy. I was 19 and her first boyfriend. She was in love, but I was, let's just say, immature. 30 years after the relationship concluded, I was now sober and beginning to make my amends. Thank goodness I worked with a sponsor and didn't just launch out on my own. She was now married, had children, and had long since moved on from me. But I know that my time with her changed the trajectory of her life, and I certainly owed her an amends. As my sponsor reminded me, as it relates on page 79 in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous, we are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself. As well as the actual ninth step, which clearly instructs us not to make an amends when to do so would injure them or others. So what does that mean in this case? It means I'm not to interject myself into a distant relationship to clean my slate when it will quite likely disrupt life for her and her family. My sponsor suggested I write a letter as my amends, read it with him, but never send it. And going forward to ensure my behavior and my romantic relationships were loving, respectful, and supportive as a living amends. He also made sure that I completely understood the eighth step, made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. I had to be comfortable and willing if the opportunity ever arose to make that direct amends. And he also offered that if God felt it was critical to both parties, that opportunity would be provided. In AA meetings, we frequently read, reflect on, and share about the promises associated with the ninth step. One of those promises on page 84 is that we will suddenly realize God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Well, several years went by since I had worked through my ninth step and felt it was as complete as possible at the time. I was somewhere around five years sober when I received a call from my mom. As background, my mom had lived in the same town for over 50 years and the same home for 35 years. With an unusual last name, she was easily located and anyone I had been associated with could find her. She told me she had received a call from one of my friends from long, long ago. Lucy told my mom that she heard I was in recovery and she had some questions she wanted to ask me. I remember feeling anxious and a bit fearful that she might be reaching out to berate me for my behavior when we were teenagers. But I told my mom it was okay to share my number. Lucy called me the very next day. Remember, I had not spoken with Lucy in over 30 years. Regardless of my concerns about why she might be calling, I saw this as God providing that opportunity to make my direct amends, and I was ready and willing. Lucy and I spoke for a while about generally how our lives progressed during the 30 years of separation. I was able to make my amends and it was graciously accepted. But my behavior during our distant relationship was not why she was calling, nor was she calling just to catch up with me. She had a particularly difficult matter to discuss. She shared with me that her husband of 25 years was an addict. It had gotten way out of control and she was looking for guidance from me to help him find recovery. I told her what I always tell the loved one looking for my help in that regard. Please give him my number. If he would like to talk, I'm more than happy to share my experience. However, what I recognized in that moment was that who she really needed to talk to was my wife, a member of Al-Anon, who was much better equipped to help Lucy with how to respond, survive, and find her own recovery. I asked if I could connect them on the phone and she eagerly agreed. And I asked Kim to join the call, and I left the room. This turn of events was definitely unexpected, but I was honestly grateful for the opportunity to help just as so many Al-Anon people had helped me. I listened as she tearfully shared her fears and frustration about her husband's drug use. I was able to share some of the insights Al-Anon had given me, like we didn't cause it, nor can we control it. And that the only behavior I really have control over is my own, that there is real relief and true community in the rooms of Alanon that we can live a life of peace and serenity regardless of our partner's sobriety status. We looked up Al-Anon meetings in her town. I let her know she could call or text me anytime and we signed off and I wished her the best. You know, throughout this experience, I felt overwhelmed with the truly amazing ways that God finds to provide just what people need. This experience provided me with the opportunity to make my direct amends to this person I had hurt so many years ago, but perhaps more importantly, it allowed Lucy to get some real guidance and support from my wife, Kim, and help start her on the path of her own recovery. It was also an unexpected service opportunity for Kim to share her experience, strength, and hope. All three of us received exactly what we needed in that moment, and I no longer consider that a coincidence. For me, it is God making use of a situation to benefit all of us in exactly the ways we needed. This was God doing for me what I could not do for myself. What an impactful experience for all of us and, uh, glad we could make it into our podcast. So making amends is a core recovery concept, isn't it? It is. One that can really lift a lot of guilt and shame, you know, that we've accumulated during our drinking years. But it's a delicate balance between clearing your own conscience and making sure you don't actually do harm to someone else in the process, right? That's right. Exactly. Learning to do the right thing even when it's really uncomfortable. And this includes learning when not to make an amends. Right. Because living with the unresolved tension of not making an amends can be really uncomfortable. I think you just wanna get it out. You wanna fix it. You want that relief. Yeah. I wanna just say I'm sorry. Relief, but we need to be completely, brutally honest with ourselves too. Do you want to apologize to make them feel better or do you wanna apologize to make yourself feel better? Mm. Yeah. That's an uncomfortable question. It can be because, you know, we're kind of conditioned from childhood to view apologizing as this inherently selfless act, right? Saying, "I'm sorry," is always good. That's what we're taught. But the underlying motivation in reality, it's often quite the opposite. It's about our own comfort. Which brings us right to the tension at the center of this story. Because what happens when you need closure, but by doing so, you risk turning someone else's life upside down. How do you manage your own guilt without inflicting new collateral damage on the person you're trying to make amends to? Well, when one gets sober and the fog kind of lifts, there's this rush of clarity of the harm we may have caused during our drinking days. You look back and you finally see the actual damage you caused and the immediate instinct. You just wanna fix it all. Right this second, alleviate the guilt and shame. And there's one relationship that really haunted you. Yeah, this girlfriend stands out because of the weight of my impact on her. That's a heavy burden to carry now that you're sober. It is. Now that the fog had lifted, I had a sense of debt to her. And my immediate impulse was to track her down and make things right. I wanted to wipe the slate clean. Which is where your sponsor stepped in. Yeah. Thank goodness he did. 'Cause if I had just launched out on my own, it could have been a disaster for real because psychologically in that moment, I actually wasn't looking at her current reality at all. I was only looking at my own past. So your sponsor wisely suggests a pause so as not to become that quote hasty and foolish martyr- Yeah. and potentially cause more harm. That's right. That phrase perfectly captures the ego that can get tied up in this kind of apology. My sponsor challenged me to look at the reality of Lucy's life today. I mean, she's married. She has kids. She's- She has her own life and a job. Yeah, she's moved on. Very much so. She spent 30 years building a life that has absolutely nothing to do with me. So if I were to just suddenly reappear out of nowhere, you know, announce my sobriety and dump this 30-year-old apology on her doorstep. Probably wouldn't be closure for her. Yeah, not at all. It would potentially just be chaos. You'd be prioritizing your own recovery over her actual peace of mind. And I'd become the exact definition of that hasty martyr. Taking the emotional relief for myself, but sacrificing her stability to get it. Again, really thankful for my sponsor's guidance. You don't wanna cause new harm trying to heal old harm. That's exactly what the ninth step qualifier, not to make a direct amends if doing so would injure them or others is designed to prevent. It stops the recovery process from becoming a weapon, which is truly important. A weapon, yeah. Wow. But it also leaves you in a tough spot, right? It does. I recognize the harm I caused. I was willing to make it right, but ethically, it wasn't the right thing to do. I love your sponsor's creative workaround. He came up with an alternative plan, a practice of making a living amends. Right. Yeah, he was very creative, and I appreciate that, and I've used that sense with other people. Mm-hmm. I had to sit down and write out a full amends on paper, holding nothing back, share it with him, and never send it. And your sponsor isn't assigning this letter just to balance a ledger, so to speak. In addition to providing you some level of relief from the guilt, the letter was also preparing you to make a direct amends if it ever became appropriate to do so. And he made me make the living amends. He recognized that words are sometimes insufficient, or in this case, completely impossible to deploy. So instead of words, it suggests a shift in your behavior? It does. To ensure that my behavior and relationships going forward were loving, respectful, and supportive. To take the specific lessons from your failures with Lucy in the past and actively apply them to your partner in the present. That's right. And Kim, I think you are the direct beneficiary of that change in my behavior. Thanks again to AA and my original sponsor, and I know you thank them every day. Yes, I do. But I imagine it takes some discipline because for one thing, no one's giving you credit for it. The person you hurt 30 years ago has no idea you're doing this, holding this back. And a living amends takes the rest of your life to execute, and there's exactly zero applause. I get plenty of satisfaction from doing it the right way today, though. I didn't get to disrupt Lucy's life, just to clear my own conscience. And this ties back to the psychological requirement of the eighth step, the willingness to make direct amends if an opportunity ever arose naturally without you engineering. The whole situation. You would be ready to do so. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Five years go by, and your mom gets this call from Lucy, the ex- girlfriend from 30 years ago, the exact person you had written that unsent letter to half a decade prior. You're five years into your sobriety, you've built a solid new life, and then your mom calls. And says a ghost from 30 years ago, just tracked down her landline. Yeah, I felt a little instinctual panic when she let me know, first off. Yeah, I think most people would immediately assume the worst. I did at first. My programs taught me to trust my higher power, so I shifted my thinking to one of opportunity, the exact unforced opportunity I'd been preparing for, for five years with the unsent letter. Mm. When she did call, you get the real gift of making an amends to her, didn't you? I did. Direct amends, and she kindly accepted. But plot twist here, my perceived misdeeds were not why she was actually calling. And it answers the question of why this was happening now, right? Why did Lucy go through the considerable effort of tracking down your mother's landline after three decades of silence? Because she obviously didn't know you had an amends to make. No, she obviously didn't know about the unsaid letter. From some distant connection, she'd heard I'd gotten sober and reached out for her own reasons entirely. The call went from your past mistakes to Lucy's present very real crisis. She was married to an addict and turned to the only person she knew to be in recovery, her now sober ex- boyfriend from years past. Yeah. Pretty ironic. The man who caused her harm 30 years ago is now the lifeline she's reaching for to save her husband today. It's a crazy convergence, but it also presents a potential trap, the temptation to play the savior. Yeah, like I owe you for the pain I caused you in the past, so I'm gonna swoop in and rescue your husband to balance the scales. And thankfully, I'd been in the program long enough, just long enough, to know that no one can save anyone else from their addiction. It's always an inside job. Plus, this wouldn't be acting out of genuine service to her, it seems like. It would be more acting out of ego, right? Using her husband's crisis to absolve your own lingering guilt. Thankfully, you recognized that danger. And what did you do instead? Well, I, I handed you the phone cue. Right. And we'll get to that. But first, you offered her the exact same thing you offered a complete stranger or your best friend. Give him my number, and if he would like to talk, I'm more than happy to share my experience. You left the door open. I did. I know my own limitations, and getting someone else sober is right up there on that list. So although I didn't have the power to save her husband, I did recognize she was in pretty desperate need of recovery of her own from the effects of someone else's addiction, and that who she really needed to be talking to was you. Which was how I unexpectedly found myself sharing my own experience, strength and hope, with your first girlfriend. But it was a gift. She was in such rough shape, and I was able to listen and really understand as only someone who's been in her shoes can. I understood firsthand the chaos and confusion. You showed her there's a path to her own recovery and peace, regardless of whether her husband ever chose to pursue recovery. It was a really nice example of knowing when to step aside. You know, I feel like the ego always wants to be the hero, but healthy recovery is recognizing when someone else is simply better equipped for the job. That is so, so true. And the amazing thing is, we all benefited from that one call. Mm-hmm. Something no one could ever have orchestrated, as in no human power. Mm. So let's actually map out those three benefits real quick as we wrap this up. First, you received the unforced opportunity to make a direct amends without ever violating that ninth step qualifier. You got to clear your conscience without causing any further harm. Well, really, it started much earlier. When I worked through that eighth step and became willing to make that amends- Mm. if the opportunity ever presented itself is where it really started. Great point. Second of all, Lucy received support and guidance from someone who has walked in her shoes, and third, you got an unexpected service opportunity, which is huge in Al-Anon, right? Yeah, right. Helping others navigate the wreckage of addiction is a cornerstone of maintaining one's own health in Al-Anon. So yeah, I got a gift that day too. I had a sober friend tell me there's nothing wasted in God's economy, and this confluence of circumstances truly outlines to me how God utilizes opportunities like this to help us heal in all sorts of ways. I say my higher power, but really this was each of our higher powers, helping us in unexpected ways toward our own recovery. Thank you so much for joining us. We hope you enjoyed this story. You may have had some similar experiences in your life. If so, remember, the solution can be simple. Right. Making amends can take a lot of courage, but it is simple and relief is undeniable. And trusting God may not feel innately familiar. But if this episode meant something to you, please share it with someone who might benefit. We produce and publish this podcast to broaden the reach of recovery beyond the rooms of AA, NA and Al-Anon, as well as other sources of recovery. And if you'd like to help defray the cost of producing and publishing this podcast, you can help us by donating a dollar or two at buymeacoffee.com/milesofrecovery. And lastly, we'd love to hear your story. You can get those to us by emailing Daryl at D-A-R-Y-L_R@milesofrecovery.com. It's about progress. One step at a time leads to miles of recovery. Next time, we'll share a story of a young boy's escape from God and his journey back to a spiritual life in Alcoholics Anonymous.